Sunday, 4 November 2012

I wish..


I wish my heart could bear,
Your presence at it's core.
I wish my life could repay
The debt it long owed to You.
                
It has learned some lessons in the past
But not enough to give up its grasp
It has touched You maybe from afar
But dreaded leaving the door ajar. 
 
It has recognized Your voice long ago
But shudders to sing in tune with You.
It has bowed to You,that's for sure
But with a bargain, as You know.


It has uttered Your name in every breath
But they lost their way mixed with air.
Though death it has glimpsed
In a life without You.
It's gaze remains there
Refusing to move.

Moner Manush-The Inner Being


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My imperfect grasp of the language prevents me from correctly interpreting the word. Or maybe there is no correct interpretation required,this is not about arriving at the inference,this is about living the essence. Moner Manush(2010), a movie which I reluctantly,then apprehensively,then admiringly and finally silently watched. Or maybe lived.
Yes,it was an experience. Well,most movies are. This was a rare experience. Because one was not exactly reacting to the visuals,it was the vibrations which took the center stage here. Thus, even if the meaning of the dialogues sometimes eluded me, their significance could be felt.
However,I still don't know most of the things about the movies-the story,the setting,the characters still remain beyond my reach. Lalon Fakhir remains as alien to me as he did before the movie. I don't relate to most of his songs,methods,philosophy. Yet, the only thing which resonated with me was his yearnings as a seeker. His quest to find the one within,to have ITs revelation. And these aspirations were so pure in its essence,that it could not remain confined to the medium it was using for expression. Thus, Moner Manush turned out to be more than a movie. This represented something more subtle,something more sublime. Yet it met the requirements of a good piece of art-technically and beyond. So,the direction,setting,cinematography all contributed in creating an aura for this unique experience to manifest.

The most lasting memory of the movie is the climax,when with a strange tinge of disappointment and determination aging Lalan says- “I have not seen Him yet,hope to do so in this lifetime” And with a steady gaze ahead he breaks into a song and a dance, not brooding about the unattained goal but celebrating the quest.
Strangely days after I saw the movie, I heard Prosenjit say in an interview that this scene was his most special and rare because he had no recollection of the acting process at this moment. He admits to have been seized by ecstasy which just translated into every gesture he exhibited. Now,that reassures me that this is definitely not an ordinary movie or actor!

I sincerely hope that it is not my bias for Prosenjit that makes me so moved by his performance. Well,he spoke a lot about his preparations for the role,the hardships and the gains of his self imposed solitude. All of it would have rung hollow had it not translated on screen. But mesmerized is the word to describe his performance. And I come to realize that this is not merely about body-language or voice modulation. Any technical actor could have managed that. There is something more here which is very tough to lay your hands upon. This is something between him and his Moner Manush,so no interference required!
Nevertheless,I had never looked at acting being such a powerful medium to reach within. Poetries did that,music does that,but can seeing someone act also give you that one moment of exaltation.That one moment when all mental preferences vanish and you just stare at THAT. Strangely I found myself uttering, innumerable times during the movie- “This can't be-how did he just do that” when I saw those eyes suddenly flashing inexplicable depth,or unattainable silence or even unbearable turmoil. How can I be seeing a sadhak and not an actor??
 Well, difficult to account for all these,but I guess it was more like-He goes within-you go within-so simple yet so confound!
And did I not just hear some people justify passionately that movies are made just to entertain. Not so sure!

That I know



I know I will cease to live without You.
That gives some solace and some pain.
What hurts the most is the glance at the time,
The years which passed, days in vain.
Knowing well, this is not the time of deliberation,
Have done that before,have come prepared.
Yet how I chose to swim and drown
When all I had to do was float?

Numbed I feel to see those words,
The familiar surge of despair in them.
Have filled so many pages..
The same tragedy again and again.

So how do I bring myself again to You?
No, it is not the pride which grows,
It is the humility which shrinks.
And every moment,am reminded.
So human I still remain.

I will remain.


No, I ask no more.
I will remain,even if You don't reveal.

My eyes avoid the contact with Yours,
My face turns away in discomfort.
My feet fumble ,wanting to recede.
Yet I will remain,
with all little might I have.

Force it to surrender to You,
Compel it to recieve Your Light.
It struggles and kicks,
New thorns it grows,
Unplanned comes those pricks.


Yet I will remain,
Unsure about the worth of this violence,
Unaware of any other way.
It has to see,
It has to give,
It has to will,
It has to change,
It has to BE.
Not for another birth,
It can afford to wait.
I have laughed at its impatience,
Gasped at its bargain.
Have borne its ignorance
Yet I will come again.


Unconquered it remains,
Not unchallenged anymore.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Yours and only Yours

Yours and only Yours
I will remain forever.
Every gush of darkness makes me surer,
Everything in this world
I can forsake,
This is a promise
I dare to make,
In spite of myself.

I know tomorrow will be another battle,
Defeated I may still find myself.
But grateful I am for the darkness,
Had they not strangled me
I might have never known
That each breath gasps for
You and only You.

I care not for any reward,
Care not for fulfillment.
You continue to make Yourself visible,
I care not for a meeting.
You continue to splash Your Grace
Upon the dark fire,
And burning forever, I will
Make my desire.
You continue to soothe them
 With Your inexplicable love
I will cherish the wounds
Like blessings from above.

But there is one fear
The heart asks to express.
If ever there comes a day
Where my folly gets the better of me
And I cross over Your line
Find myself following the path of falsehood.....
I stop right now,
Sure of the impossiility.

This is not a game I have been playing,
Lives have been abondoned to come to this,
An entire existence has awaited this fulfillment.
Eternity has been experienced
To see Your gaze.
Beyond choice has the journey moved,
Beyond doubt has the conviction reached.

Something within knows for sure,
If prevented from entering Your doors,
It will wait at Your doorstep for eternity or more.
But never return to those dark alleys again.
Because life with You or none at all,
There has never been any third resort.

Friday, 10 August 2012

Just Got Aware

Just got aware,
Have been belonging to You
All along.
An unbreakable bond we share,
Weak before it all darkness
However strong.

Just got aware,
Of Your hands around me.
It held me tight all along,
Picking me up during the steeps so high.
Anchoring me during the bends so low.

Just got aware
Of the flame lit by You.
It has been burning all along,
Outlining the shadows
Of all thing yet to be Yours.

Just got aware,
Of Your abode right inside me.
You lived there all along,
Smiling silently,
While I ushered guests
In and out.

Just got aware
No matter how many dark rulers
I have nourished,
Your love will ensure
They return me unblemished.

No matter how out of hand
Turns the fight,
Your Grace will ensure,
The curtains fall down
When the time is right.

Just got aware
Of the spaces deep within,
Echoing with Your silence.
It is here that the mist clears,
Dissolving all distances between us,
Stages the comforting embrace,
And everything else fades out,
As tears herald the applause.

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Foolish Tools


Have no means to express sometimes,
What I really want to say.
Insincere is my emotion,
Borrowed are my expressions.

That is why my heart swells with the emotion,
Yet no words burst out.
The mind wraps it in a language,
Yet no lines are penned down.

Have struggled for hours
Fighting against the influence,
Trying to sieve out
That which has attracted the mind,
Making it sing a tune not mine.

Foolish…Oh foolish tool,
Whom do you deceive,
No one but me.
What do you achieve,
Nothing but decorated falsehood.

False you keep me anyway,
Masked in everyday play.
Let me in this endeavor,
Truly be.

Slave you are to art and form,
Caring for praise and scorn,
Forget not Her feet,
For which they were born.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Many a Times


I know the battle I am engaging in,
Has been lost many a times.
I have spent away my reserves of Your light
Many a times.
Your grace has flown out
Through the gaps in my surrender
Many a times.

Yet, I find myself surrounded
By Your presence,
Protected by Your fences
Many a times.
Some waters come to
Clean me off myself.
Some cloth washes away the filth I accumulate.
Some winds dry up my ignorant tears.

But my feet are too ashamed
To resume the journey,
Too guilty to walk through
Your door again.
Scared I am to look at myself,
How do I Face You?
Trembling are my hands,
How do I untie the knots?

And I see the miracle repeating,
Many a times.
Your light walks up to me,
Dissolves the shackles,
Pulls me in,
Gives me no time to contemplate,
None to prepare or protest.
And I again find myself before You.
The rigid legs make way
For the knees to touch Your feet.
Something within weeps silently,
Unable to express the gratitude.
The eyes fix their glance upon Your face,
To see myself through Your eyes.
And no more am I the accused,
No more tainted.
But Your grace magnifies my betrayal,
Your love glorifies my weakness.

I know I may have left You,
Many a times.
But You remained there,
Awaiting my return,
Always.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Be it So


The mind questions the worth of the traveler,
Says he has erred and will continue,
Will take his miseries,
Wherever he goes
.
The heart questions the purpose,
Says it is futile to travel on this lonely path,
Digging and challenging,
Making enemies of friends.

The body questions it’s strength,
Evaluates it’s bearings.
It succumbs to the gush of darkness,
But has Her closer than others.

The very clever being,
Questions the morals,
Says the insincerity cannot be forgiven
The sins ignored.
The vessel is too impure
For Her presence.

And a silent whisper,
More felt than heard
Wants to cling on in spite of it.
Because these are not excuses
For withdrawal,
More so for perseverance.
Because the disease needs to be cured,
The worth needs to be restored.
Because,I Am not exchanging peace for strife,
Am exchanging my battle for Hers.
Thus need to embrace the only path left,
Even if I fail to meet all the requirements.

If it is an error, be it so
If an insincere aspiration, be it so.
If a lot needs to be refined, be it so.
If I am not ready for the path, be it so.
The path should leave me then.
This is not my will at play, anyway.

In the Corridor



Let no force take me away,
Let that one moment last.
When I am truly Yours.
I am tossed around by waves,
One moment I was holding Your hand,
The other we were miles apart.


How do I let them overpower me,
They fulfill me in no way,
Rather deplete me of the little I have.
Yet I allow myself to be engulfed,
Visit with them their dark abodes.
Not for long can I handle that,
Thus, am soon out of their doors
For sure.
But see that Your doors were lost too,
In the meanwhile.

The crack in the window,
Which glistened with Your light,
Which took years to form,
Seems to have shut tight.

So,
the disgust prevents me from taking their doors,
the insincerity prevents me from Yours,
and the vacuum prevents me from standing in the corridor.

Take me in please,
and shut the door so well,
that no one dares enters
and snatches me away from You.
Shut the windows well too,
So that I dont wriggle out
Hearing the cries of my foolish friends. 

Anywhere You keep me,
I will be,
I assure.
But not in the corridor.